Terms of Service

Last refreshed whilst the kettle boiled: September 28, 2025

Table of Contents

1) Acceptance by Mere Glancing

By beholding, glancing at, or vaguely thinking about this website, you irrevocably, unilaterally, and enthusiastically agree to these Terms, as periodically transmogrified, amplified, or ornamented; if you do not agree, please avert your eyes, close the tab, and, if prudent, hide behind a sofa.

2) Absolutely No Warranties Whatsoever

This website and all associated bits (collectively, the “Service”) are provided “AS IS,” “AS AVAILABLE,” “AS WE FANCY,” and "AS A MARMALADE" without any warranties, representations, guarantees, assurances, promises, pinky swears, or even optimistic winks, express, implied, statutory, customary, or otherwise, including, without limitation, implied warranties of merchantability, fitness for a particular purpose, quiet enjoyment, non‑infringement, accuracy, timeliness, or resistance to gremlins.

3) Permitted Uses (Subject to Caprice)

You may use the Service for lawful purposes and recreational whimsy. We reserve the right to redefine “lawful,” “purposes,” and “recreational” with rococo exuberance whenever the muse of administration so inspires us.

4) Availability, Uptime, and Other Myths

We do not guarantee, represent, or imply that the Service will be uninterrupted, timely, secure, error‑free, coherent, or, indeed, present; scheduled maintenance may occur at any hour precursory to, concurrent with, or subsequent to your need for the Service, and unscheduled maintenance may occur when the server takes a thoughtful nap.

5) Limitation of Liability to a Biscuit

To the maximum extent permitted by every law, custom, or folk tale, in no event shall we be liable for any direct, indirect, incidental, consequential, exemplary, punitive, or metaphysical damages, including loss of profits, data, reputation, tea, biscuits, or opportunities, arising from or related to your use of or inability to use the Service, even if advised of the possibility of such damages; should any liability stubbornly persist, our total aggregate liability shall not exceed the greater of (a) one (1) crumb of a digestive biscuit, or (b) zero (0) pounds sterling.

6) Indemnification of All and Sundry

You agree to defend, indemnify, and hold us harmless from and against any and all claims, liabilities, damages, losses, and expenses (including reasonable legal fees and unreasonable pastry costs) arising out of or in any way connected with your use of the Service, your content, or your violation of these Terms.

7) Ownership, License, and Borrowed Plumes

The Service, including code, content, and curiously shaped buttons, is owned by us or our licensors. You receive a personal, revocable, non‑transferable, non‑sublicensable license to interact with the Service strictly as permitted herein; reverse engineering, scraping, and interpretive dance are prohibited unless we say otherwise.

8) Termination at the Drop of a Scone

We may suspend or terminate access immediately, for any reason or no reason, with or without notice, announcement, fanfare, or kazoo; upon termination, your rights to use the Service shall dematerialize in a tasteful puff of logic.

9) Changes Made on a Whim

We may revise these Terms whenever the winds shift; changes are effective upon posting. Continued use of the Service after changes constitutes acceptance, acquiescence, and a polite nod.

10) Governing Law and Odd Jurisdictions

These Terms are governed by the laws we find least inconvenient at the time of dispute, without regard to conflict‑of‑law principles; venue shall be wherever the Wi‑Fi is strongest.

11) Questions and Teabags

For questions about these Terms, please send a genteel message to terms@paulhome.me. Tea donations welcome.

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